Friday, December 4, 2009

an incredible story

Terrance J. Shaw, #138254
Waiver Request attachment for #10.
Before I describe the terrible crime and events that led up to it, I need to say that I am eternally sorrowful for me raping and murdering Mrs. Erickson back in 1981. I am guilty and I accept responsibility for the crime. Now that I have had many years of treatment in the WDOC, and have also been diagnosed with Vietnam PTSD as a factor at the time of my crime, I now understand the dynamics behind what was psychologically going on with me at the moment in time when I acted out and did the crime that one afternoon in 1981. But before I go on to explain all about it, first I need to say how terribly sorry I am for the crime. Now I will go on to explain what you request of me in #10.

The description of the crime is that I was driving around having an argument in my car with my soon to be ex-wife, but she wasn't there in the car, as I was hallucinating on LSD and imagining it. When I drove past a house I saw a woman, whom I believed to be my wife, in the picture window, but it was Mrs.Erickson. I stopped my car and went straight into the house and started cursing Mrs. Erickson using the name of my wife, Valerie. I punched her, knocking her down. I raped her and tied her up with my jungle combat boot laces and went to use the bathroom. When I came back Mrs. Erickson had freed herself and was standing there in the dining room as I came out of the bathroom.

I believe she thought I had left the house instead being in the bathroom because when I came out of the bathroom she got startled and grabbed a kitchen knife off the counter to defend herself and we fought over the knife when my combat training kicked in so that I overpowered her and killed her with the knife. This is the physical description of the crime. Now I will go on to explain the circumstances surrounding the crime and why I committed the crime, etc.

To give you an overview of exactly what the Vietnam PTSD factor I was going through at the time of my crime is the following: I was going through a bankruptcy, divorce, and a death of my uncle Bernie, who was the closest thing I had to a part-time father growing up. He got diagnosed with throat cancer, shrunk down to 51-pounds and died within the year. Prior to the afternoon I did the crime for which I am still incarcerated, I took out my Vietnamese flag and pinned it to my living room wall, started wearing my jungle combat clothes, loaded up all my guns and stationed them around the house, pulled all the drapes and started drinking bourbon out of a milk glass while rocking in my rocking chair with a loaded rifle across my lap. Emotionally I felt I was under attack again, but I couldn't identify who the enemy was. I was having a Vietnam PTSD type episode, but I didn't know what PTSD was at the time, until after I was convicted and in prison at CCI where I was getting one-on-one treatment therapy by Dr. Richard Arnesen who helped me discover the dynamics of what was going on with me at the time I committed the crime.
Eventually CCl's Psychiatrist, Dr. Arnesen, asked me to join his group therapy and I agreed. I was in his weekly group therapy sessions, plus still getting one-on-one therapy with Dr.Arnesen for over two (2) years. This is all documented in my prison psychiatric files. I subsequently had a Ph.D. doctor from the Woods Veterans Hospital in Milwaukee come into the prison at CCI and evaluate me and also diagnosed me with having the Vietnam PTSD. His name is Dr. S.H. Friedman, and this is also documented in my prison files. I am currently accepted into the Vietnam PTSD residential treatment program
at the Tomah Veterans Hospital to receive the residential PTSD treatment program. I am an Honorably Discharged, service-connected disabled Vietnam veteran.

Another new factor that was not known at the time of my crime, trial and sentencing that also had to do with the acting out of the crime I committed in 1981 is the following: All the child abuse I suffered growing up (that I will go on to explain to you here) I had compartmentalized and dissociated
from, but it was unknowingly subconsciously effecting me, and it all came out in my crime. CCl's Dr. Arnesen also helped me to admit and understand the dynamics of it all and how it effected me and the crime I committed as an adult.

The following is a brief overview of some of these factors. I was born and abandoned in an orphanage by an unwed mother in LaCrosse, so I had abandonment issues I wasn't consciously aware of. The married couple that adopted me from the Catholic Social Services shortly after I was born (the Shaws) had the husband die within the same year I was adopted, and the mother must have gone a little crazy because all through my preschool and grade school years, almost daily, she beat me with a belt to the point that I would have large white whip welt marks raised up all over my little naked body from head to toe. She continually threatened to send me back to the orphanage for being a "bad" little boy, and I believed her, which resulted in me fearing abandonment some more. She frequently feigned running away from home numerous times,

(Below: Terrance At 7.)

which also terrified me and made me cry, because I believed her every time, since I was too little to know any better and that eventually she would have to come home because that is where she lived too. I was also dipped in scalding hot water, tied up, locked in the closet. Some of my adopted aunts also abused me. One aunt, aunt Corniellia, eventually got taken away in a straight jacket after her electricity was cut off, but before that she had babysat me numerous times and abused me terribly in several traumatic ways.

One summer an adult female baby sitter my mother had hired to baby sit me while my mother was at work when I was four (4) years old, and this woman repeatedly raped and tortured me (squeezing my testicles and shoving pencils and popsicle sticks up my rectum) hurt me and made me cry many times. She made me touch her private parts too and it scared me and made me cry every time she attacked me. The crime I did in 1981 is almost a copy of acting out of this childhood rape when I snapped on the victim in my crime in 1981.

I was sexually abused in preschool. In grade school the Catholic nuns repeatedly beat me and verbally/emotionally abused me and made me cry in front of the class over the period of all of my grade school years. I learned in treatment with Dr.Arnesen, that I had compartmentalized and dissociated all my baby and childhood pain and traumas, until circumstances all lined up in my life to the point in time in 1981 where one final abandonment (trigger) when my wife took my grade school aged children and left me for another man, I snapped, like a time bomb, and went off. Since I was adopted, my children were the only blood relation I had on planet earth, and that was the straw/trigger that finally broke the camels back. I believe all my childhood beatings, verbal and emotional abuse, can be a contributing factor to my crime somewhat similar to the battered woman's syndrome, only applied to me and my long years of childhood beatings and abuse. None of these factors were known at the time of my crime, trial and sentencing. It wasn't until after I was in prison at CCI and psychiatrist Dr. Arnesen helped me with treatment so that I could understand the dynamics of everything and how it all played-out in my 1 981 crime.

Within the same hour that afternoon in 1981 when I did my crime, I almost committed suicide. But at the last second, instead of my anger being taken out on myself in the form of suicide, my anger flashed out on someone else, (for which I am so very sorry).

Another factor that may be important to the board to take into consideration on whether you decide to give me a waiver, or not, (which I also didn't know was going on with me at the time of rny trial and sentencing) is that at the time of my arrest I did not admit guilt because back in my screwed up Vietnam PTSD shocked state of mind, the military had trained me not to cooperate with my captors. The military had trained me that it was my DUTY to resist and not cooperate with my captors.

I was convicted in December 1982 and in my 1982-1983 prison files, when I came through the WDOC's Assessment & Evaluation (A&E) the documents TEM-60. TEM-62,TEM-63 and DOC-221 indicate that the WDOC's professional evaluator recommends that I "participate" in sot to understand the dynamics of what was behind my crime, which is exactly what I explained to you in this waiver request that I learned in therapy with CCl's Dr. Amesen, and it is exactly what the WCI Dr. Ankarlo 02-07-03 Sex Offender Treatment report shows that I successfully did. NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH ME OR THE SEVERITY OF MY CRIME SINCE I WAS CONVICTED AND SENTENCED IN 1982. Therefore, the years of treatment I had with Dr.Arnesen, and the three years of SOT that I’ve already had with Dr Arkarlo At WCI has satisfied my original A&E programming requirement to lower my risk of dangerousness and release back into society again. If the Board. GRANTS me a waiver to apply for Clemency, then you should also check my 02-97-03 SOT report for me having successfully "participated" in SOT and you will see that I currently have NO HIGH TREATMENT NEED AREAS AT THIS TIME. You will see the chief psychologist's written evaluation of me on the back of the 2003 DOC-1423 where he states, “Mr Shaw has benefited greatly from his participation in SOT and has displayed his understanding of the treatment principles in his self-disclosure and feedback.Dr. Ankarlo also states, "Clinical judgment alone would suggest that he has made sufficient progress in those areas to have completed his SOT need."

In closing, I would like to state that the circumstances tending to establish my suitability for a waiver on an executive clemency application are, that I do not possess a violent crime committed while a juvenile; I have a stable social history and prior (full time) tax paying work record; I have shown remorse; I committed the crime as a result of significant stress in my life and the significant stress had built over a long period of time; I lack any significant history of violent crime; this is my only felony and first time in prison; at 60-years old I am now of an age that reduces the probability of recidivism; I have made realistic plans for release back into society; plus I have developed new marketable skills (that accommodate my various disabilities) through taking extensive correspondence courses while in prison during these past 27+ years; and I have engaged in institutional activities that indicate an enhanced ability to function within the Law upon release.

Here I have shown uncontradicted evidence of my rehabilitation and there is no other evidence that I currently posses a danger to society. My current behavior during my many years since my offense, and my current mental state, demonstrate that my past offense is no longer a realistic indicator of my "current" dangerousness.

I have engaged in extensive rehabilitation through the DOC and on my own for my own personal enrichment, gained insight into my offense, expressed remorse, and made realistic plans for employment upon release. Mere recitation of the circumstances of the commitment offense, fails to provide the required "modicum of evidence" of unsuitability for release back into society again.
For all of the above reasons I respectfully request the Governor's Pardon Advisory Board to grant me a waiver so I may apply for executive clemency.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Reason for needing waiver

Answer to final questions of clemency form:
#11 Explain the extraordinary circumstances that you believe warrant a waiver of the Governor’s Pardon advisory Board eligibility rules. For example, and extraordinary circumstance could be, but is not necessarily, the fact that the conviction prohibits you from obtaining specific employment. However, the desire to hunt or possess a firearm for hunting purposes does not constitute extraordinary circumstances.

Waiver Request attachment for #11.
If/when I am released from prison, my conviction will prohibit me from seeking specific employment (like in Government Service with the military. I will explain in more detail below so you understand what I mean better. )

When I first came to prison in 1982 I didn't even know my high school fractions, decimals and percents. But during my first year in prison I got clean and sober and had a Spiritual Awakening. I studied hard to remedy my mathematical deficit and went on to the University of Wisconsin-Extension and got 4-credits in Algebra and 3-credits in Accounting, and became a prison GED math tutor. I also successfully completed, the 4-year Ambassador Bible Collage Correspondence course by Herbert w. Armstrong out of Passadena California. After that I took and successfully completed the Kenneth Hagin's RHEMA Bible College correspondence course out of Tulsa Oklahoma for 60-credits. Then I went on to get a Master's Degree in Religious Studies, a Doctorate in Biblical Studies, and a Ph.D. in the philosophy of Religion. My Doctoral Dissertation is registered and copyrighted with the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C. Here at the Oshkosh Correctional Institution (0SCI)I had a meeting with Chaplain Reinke and let her know that (after I complete my Vietnam PTSD Treatment at the Tomah Veteran's Hospital) I would like to apply with the Wisconsin Department of Corrections (WDOC) as a chaplain, counselor, teacher, or similar worker in a correctional, mental health, military, or social service facility, since I believe I am called by God and my religious correspondence courses during my past 27+ years in prison make me qualified to hold a job in that capacity. Chaplain Reinke encouraged me, stating that the WDOC already employs two ex-convicts as chaplains.

After I am released from prison I also plan to volunteer to speak at jails, prisons, churches, or any place that will invite me to speak, about what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now, in hopes that I can reach someone to help them turn their life around too. I believe I have credibility, especially with prisoners, since I have bean a prisoner myself for over 27+ years of straight incarceration. I actually have, and am, walking the walk; therefore I am not only qualified, but I have credibility. I can also relate to inmates about faith and spirituality in general even though my personal faith is Christian. Even to Atheists, GOD can be considered a Good Orderly Direction.

I have enclosed a copy of my 2-page resume that I recently updated to reflect my current qualifications and employment aspirations that I believe I can make an effective employment contribution. For instance, over in Iraq, I would have liked to have had the opportunity to counsel with that soldier that recently (as reported on the news) went into the mental health facility and killed 3-4 employees. If I were employed through Government Service with the military there and that individual came in and counseled with me, I believe I may have been able to reach him and possibly averted that tragedy, because I can relate to feeling that you have reached the end of your rope and snapping. And even if I could not have reached him and averted that tragedy, I believe I could have identified him as a soldier that is at risk for becoming a danger to himself or others. So I need the Governor's Pardon Advisory Board to grant me this waiver application in hopes that I eventually do receive executive clemency from the Governor and can obtain the specific type of employment that I have described in this waiver request.

The Board may contact the following OSCI staff and ask them their opinion of me and whether in their opinion I merit a clemency waiver. Captain Sprangers, Captain Keller, Sergeant Musha, COII Reigert, Social Worker Jim Messing,
and Psychologist Dr. K. Dunlap.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Overview of Terrance's history

To continue to grow intellectually, emotionally, and above all spiritually as I encourage similar development in others. To continue to follow my calling by entering the open job market and obtaining, holding, and functioning effectively as a chaplain, counselor, teacher, or similar worker in a correctional, mental health, military, or social service facility.

-Served honorably in the U.S. military for four years, with one year in the war zone of Vietnam.
-Subsequently held various transportation-related jobs such as service station operation, taxi driving, over-the-road trucking, city bus (and stock car driver, #66 for Dan's Interstate Phillips 66).
-From military, outside employment, and my current prison counseling ministry, have grown in my ability to surpass stereotypes and see people as people.
-Gained and began to share a deepening spiritual insight as I passed through my experiencing of long-term incarceration.

Spiritual Counselor, Advisor, Minister, Wisconsin Department of Corrections, 1999 - Present.
-Dialogue with clients to help them define goals, identify barriers, and find resources that can, in some way, enable them to have a richer more rewarding life.
-Help clients to address areas of concern such as family, divorce, marriage, parenting, homosexuality, hopelessness, feelings of abandonment, anxiety, anger, suicidal thoughts and general depression.
-Draw heavily on learning gained from my personal spiritual quest as well as from our shared experience within the correctional environment.
-Deal intensively with at-hand incarceration related issues, but also, address the future and decisions to be made "on the outside."

-Engage in active, empathetic listening and response in order to establish and maintain relationships of positive rapport and trust.
-Respond and attend to interlocutors' body language, and emotional content as well as the logical content of verbal statements.
-Counsel and assist any inmate regardless of social status or reputation within the institution.
-Always work to understand and counsel from each client's own core values, personal goals and definitions of short and long-term problems.
-Ask facilitating questions, make clarifying/reflecting statements, and focus on desired solutions.
-Help clients as they set goals, name stressors and clarify issues.
-Also help them to identify/implement wanted changes, formulate strategies to reach them, and evaluate their effectiveness and desirability of results.
-Add to the value and impact of my counseling by remaining ready and immediately available to fellow inmates around-the-clock to the full extent that institutional security allows.
-Give all types of service ranging from long-term life planning to immediate crisis intervention.
-In addition to one-on-one counseling, facilitate the faith and well-being of others through public speaking to outside church and community groups as well as in our own chapel services.

-As another key aspect of counseling, give spiritual mentoring to help clients discover how they got into their current life with its problems and to find the strength to ultimately overcome them.
-Emphasize ownership of problems and the behaviors that led to them and how they relate to their ultimate empowerment issue.
-Along with current issues, seek to address the future and decisions that must be made once clients return to "the outside."
-Always aim to empower people by helping them to determine what they can and can't control.
-Motivate all to accept a full share of responsibility so they can take steps to enhance their personal lives both now and in their future faiths.
-As a minister and spiritual counselor, lead others to explore their own particular faith and their relationship with their God, but only in so far as they are open and receptive.

While in prison, held various long-term work assignments including clerical support for our printing school and our garment industry. Have also served as a math and reading tutor for the prison's GED prep program. Before incarceration, was a professional driver for about ten years. Drove a cab, a city bus, a school bus and a stock car for a total of about four years. In addition, drove an eighteen-wheeler from coast to coast covering 600,000 miles in six years. Also, held various minor jobs such as work in a food packaging operation (Stokley Van Kamp) while in high school.

U.S. Air Force - 1966- 1970 Comments: One year of service in the war zone of Vietnam
Held a secret security clearance
Received 7 medals and commendations

Ph.D. Worldwide Universal Life Church -- Modesto, CA Subject Area: Philosophy of Religion Certification: Ordained Minister & Certified Spiritual Counselor
Ph.D., Worldwide Universal Life Church - Modesto, CA Subject Area: Biblical Studies
Publications: Does the King James Bible Have Errors In It? Doctoral Dissertation. Comment: Developed and published a 54-chapter, 320-page manuscript from my doctoral dissertation which was registered & copyrighted with the Library of Congress in Washington D.C.
Shaw's Revised King James Bible, Registered & Copyrighted.
Comment: Based on Biblical errors addressed in my doctoral dissertation, revise entire King James Bible and filed with the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C. Master's Degree, Worldwide Universal Life Church - Modesto, CA
Subject Area: Religious studies
Bachelor of Arts, Kenneth E. Hagin's RHEMA Bible College, GPA: 4.0/4.0 Scale Tulsa, OK Four-Year Correspondence Course, Herbert W. Armstrong's Ambassador Bible College: Pasadena, CA